You never know what will cause it. Sometimes it is a voice, a word, a story, a season. Sometimes it is obvious that it is coming and you can prepare yourself, gird yourself. But then you have days like today, where you sink into the darkness, it surrounds you, engulfs you, sucks the breath right out of you, leaving you gasping. You didn’t see it coming, it snuck up on you. Now you’re left, standing in a crowded room, driving down a busy highway, alone. The voices drift away, the highway roar dulls but you continue to move, smiling, driving, walking, and existing. Like nothing happened – yet everything changed. .
For me, most recently it was stockings. I was driving down the road and I started thinking about Christmas stockings and just like that I was blinded by pain, by memories, by coldness. See the truth is some memories follow you. Sometimes I forget that they are there. Sometimes I think for a brief moment that it didn’t happen, that it isn’t my story, that it isn’t part of me. Truth is, I would give it all up in a second not to feel this way, to not live with this story. I wish with everything in me that I could go back, make a different decision and keep my innocence.Continue reading